Aging Parents of Adult Children: Emotional Needs and Disappointed Expectations

When our children become adults, they may seem more like peers and even friends to us. It takes great care to guard against looking to our children (or adult grandchildren) to meet our emotional needs. This can especially be tempting when we no longer have a spouse, either from death or divorce. As a counselor, I have heard from both perspectives —from adult children who feel suffocated or manipulated and decide they need to erect boundaries, and from parents of adult children who are bewildered and hurt by imposed boundaries or even estrangement from their children.

Parents, let’s recall for a moment how it felt when our own parents may have done this. At that time, we may have been in the middle of parenting, tending to a marriage, or holding down a demanding job. Most of us wanted to honor our parents with visits and consider how to meet their needs, but serving as a primary source of emotional support also felt like too much, perhaps putting a strain on our capacity to fulfill our commitments and responsibilities. 

Rather than repeating a similar pattern, consider these opportunities to find comfort and help when we find ourselves needing support:

• We are first invited to go to our Lord, as we find encouragements to do so in Matthew 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:7, and a myriad of the psalms. He promises us that he has been carrying us and will continue to carry us even in old age and gray hairs (Isaiah 46:3-4). 
• A close second to the Lord, is our local church body. The body of Christ is intended to be a means of support for each other, to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) 
• What about friends who may be going through similar challenges? While we must exercise care that we do not feed  each other’s misery, it can be helpful to find someone who has their eyes on the Lord and  can join with us to encourage each other to find help and strength in the Lord for this difficult season of life. 
• What about neighbors who can help meet not only emotional needs but also physical needs, thus taking some weight off of our kids? Neighbors may be in closer physical proximity and able to  handle some physical needs, such as taking trash cans out, shoveling snow, etc. Also, they may be able to listen more objectively to our troubles and not feel the emotional weight our children can feel. 
• What about counseling? Is there biblical counseling at a local church or organization? Having an objective listener who will come alongside us and point us to the Lord and his Word can be a means of grace to us and our children.

I recently heard a saying, “Don’t let your storm get your kids wet.” That doesn’t mean we don’t let our children know our difficulties; that would be unnatural within a family to not bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:1). However, we need to carry our own load (Galatians 6:5) with the Lord’s help (1 Peter 5:6). 

Why is it that as our physical skin gets thinner with aging, so does our emotional skin? We seem to get hurt more easily, especially by our loved ones. They may not realize how lonely we can be (we’re losing family and friends regularly), how needy we feel with our physical aging and material needs, how out-of-place we feel in this world with technology and other changes, how society seems to overlook us, and consequently, how much we feel isolated and uncared for. 

We often can no longer serve our families as we formerly did by cooking meals, helping with house or yard work, watching grandchildren, or providing financial assistance and gifts. We may experience feelings of rejection and uselessness when our attempts to help or give are met with resistance or dissatisfaction.

With our disappointment and hurt, we may fall into traps of self-pity, bitterness, and belief of  lies. In taking our hurts to the Lord, we grieve the losses and pain with him, and can invite him to help us think rightly about these hurts. Are we truly being rejected, or have our expectations been unrealistic or misguided, leading to our disappointment? Are we useless, or do we need to adjust our perspective? Are we uncared for, or do we have expectations that need to be surrendered?

What if our involvement with our adult children has gone too far? This may lead us to expect to know all the details of their lives and even speak into them, without invitation. It could be that we expect they will always spend holidays with us. When our adult children try to create  relational distance (often called boundaries), this gives us a clue that perhaps expectations in the relationship  were not communicated well or agreed upon. 

These difficulties and hurts in our relationships with our adult children may tempt us to resort to manipulative tactics, such as using guilt, being expressively angry or cold, blaming our sadness on  their actions, or using tears to induce them to  get back into our good graces. Do we want our adult children to feel an obligation toward us? Do we want to manipulate them into a relationship with us? Do we want them to feel trapped in their relationship with us? Using these types of controlling and manipulative behaviors could become ruinous for our relationship, leading adult children to impose strict boundaries or even pull away with estrangement.

When expectations have been disappointed, when feelings are hurt, when relational friction is perceived, the following considerations may prove helpful:

• Taking our sadness, frustration, and confusion to the Lord first can help us  avoid falling into destructive traps or receiving his help to get out of them (Psalm 40:1-2) in order to foster right thinking and a softer heart toward our children.
• Talking to an objective friend, pastor, or counselor can help us gain perspective regarding our expectations (Proverbs 18:15, 17). 
• Improved communication with our adult children (and grandchildren) will go a long way in adjusting our expectations with the reality of their situations. Scripture encourages us to go to one another and speak truth in love, even when it’s hard (Matthew 18:15; Ephesians 4:25).
• Extending grace and forgiveness in relationships is essential. Our adult children are likely in a demanding season. As their parents, it is possible we need to need them less and love them more. The Lord will give us grace to do so. (Romans 12:18; Colossians 3:12-14; 1 Peter 4:8)

Parents should be able to ask for needed assistance from their adult children, and they can talk to their adult children about their emotions and difficulties. This is what family does for each other, across generational lines. This is especially true when family is also part of the family of Jesus, who calls us to serve and love one another.  However, we should consider the degree and scope of dependence, time, and level of neediness. Our married adult children are called by the Lord to “leave [their parents] and cleave [to their spouse]” (Genesis 2:24). Our single children need to pursue their independence and their relationships with the Lord and others. And we, aging parents, also need to grow in our dependence upon our Lord and his church in this season of our lives. He is the provider of our needs, both physical and emotional. “Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made you, and I will bear you; I will carry and will save you” (Isaiah 46:4).

We invite you to check back in here regularly as we explore the topic in a series of articles from our counseling team.

The Lord has brought and continues to bring Laura through deep waters (Isaiah 43:1-2) while living life in this broken world so she considers it a privilege to come...

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