A common practice in counseling is learning to identify and address feelings. We may not present with that goal in mind, but rather, we often seek the help of a counselor because we are experiencing the distressing outcomes of those feelings. Our relationships have become riddled with tension or patterns of conflict. We find ourselves cycling through the same thought patterns and unwanted behaviors. When we arrive at a decisive moment, eager to gain clarity and freedom from enslaving emotional disruptions, it can seem overwhelming to know where to start. A tool that many counselors introduce is a feelings wheel.1 While there are a variety of iterations, a feelings wheel can initially add confusion or frustration for the person who lacks familiarity with it.
Coming alongside counselees who desire greater awareness of how they are experiencing various feelings and how those feelings overlap with thoughts, habits, and beliefs, I like to pair this resource with a feelings wheel. Together, we can work to identify the troubling feeling, notice how the feeling presents in day-to-day life, and make connections with biblical truth that can help the counselee respond with wisdom while receiving comfort from God. Of course, there are times when we have to pause, assess the intensity and frequency of the feelings, and exercise careful judgment with our counselees to avoid making assumptions or offering reductionistic solutions.
When it seems appropriate, and the counselee is willing to move further, I introduce the “I’m Feeling” resource over several sessions. The pace depends on factors such as the counselee’s stated goals for counseling, their awareness of impact and desire for change or growth, and their commitment to the counseling process.2 I’m also prayerfully considering their familiarity with scripture or how it may have been previously used in harmful ways.
What might it look like to move through the various circles?
I’m Feeling __________. This is the first circle we work together to fill, often by using a feelings wheel to narrow down the most specific or prominent feeling. This may be a simple and immediate response, but sometimes it requires further discussion about the counselee’s particular circumstances or history.3
What is it? Here, we are working together to fill out the description of the named feeling. If the counselee has identified sadness as a primary feeling, we may return to the feelings wheel or use a dictionary to broaden our vocabulary and gain further understanding.
Signs and Symptoms During this portion of the exercise, the counselee notes how the feeling “shows up” in daily life. Together, we discuss the ways the feeling may impact responsibilities and relationships, or their ability to enjoy things.
Needs We then begin to identify specific needs, brainstorming about what might be helpful for the counselee in providing support when the feeling they are experiencing surfaces in a disruptive or distressing manner. We consider practical ideas like coping strategies, boundaries that may wisely guide relationships, and adjustments such as sleep habits or checking in with a doctor if they have not done that recently.
Biblical Truth As we look back at the feeling(s) we’ve named and described, how they present in the person’s life, and attempted to address any practical needs to alleviate distress, we hope to now engage the mind and the heart at greater depth. Addressing counselees’ concerns and helping them move toward resolution is less about replacing negative feelings and more about emphasizing who God is in the midst of difficult emotions and unresolved circumstances. Here we may look at various examples from scripture, noting how God’s presence is typically highlighted first before a command is given.4 I especially love to imagine with my counselee what it must have been like for the disciples to encounter Jesus’ reassuring presence during the storm on the sea, or for the Samaritan woman at the well to be met with Jesus’ tender nearness.
When counselees present with discomfort or a self-shaming posture, connected to a particular emotion, they have usually attempted to “think their way out of it.” Many have already tried scripture memorization as a means of silencing their distress. It’s not uncommon to hear them refer to a feeling of helplessness about the troubling feelings they are experiencing. By slowing things down, identifying the context and circumstances surrounding those feelings, we may discover a pathway toward receiving biblical wisdom and care with increased clarity. We take our cues from Jesus, who recognized the whole person in front of him, offering compassion and companionship. We know that managing distressing emotions will not be a quick or painless process; rather, it is a lifelong exercise in patient endurance directed by God’s love for us and the Spirit’s guiding presence at each step.
Click here to download the "I'm Feeling" resource.
- Feelings Wheel example ↩︎
- There are many resources on the topic, but I have found this small book series to be particularly helpful. ↩︎
- Oftentimes, asking the person to write about the circumstances surrounding the feeling may help them identify it more clearly. I suggest to counselees that they can track what they notice using a journaling method, an app for notetaking on their phone, or even drawing it out. ↩︎
- One of my favorite resources to recommend is this one, written by Darby Strickland. ↩︎
Melissa Affolter has served in various aspects of counseling and discipleship ministries for nearly twenty years in the local church.
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