As biblical counselors, it’s not uncommon for us to walk with those who are suffering. Whether that suffering can be traced to a painful loss or to one’s selfish decisions, the path is often long and hard. In our efforts to facilitate change and growth, we sometimes rush to find the source of suffering or to pinpoint blame, which can result in a distrustful and even fractured relationship with the counselee.1
In the Greek language, longsuffering, is comprised of two words – makros, meaning long, and thumos, meaning temper or passion. Together, makrothumia can be translated as forbearance or fortitude.2 While longsuffering sometimes refers to being long-tempered, or having self-restraint rather than moving toward punishment and retaliation, it is also “associated with mercy (I Peter 3:20) and hope (I Thessalonians 1:3). It does not surrender to circumstances or succumb to trial.”3
We tend to think that longsuffering means we endure hardship or put up with people’s obstinate behaviors, their unwillingness to change, or foolish patterns of living. If we only view it through this lens, we miss the opportunity to embody the Christlikeness to which we are called. Discerning how we can suffer long with those who are troubled or trapped requires us to apply an other-worldly form of comfort, a comfort we can only access as we depend upon the God of all comfort. What are the qualities that enable us to suffer long with others? I want to propose three postures for longsuffering when we come alongside others who are in need of care.
1. We must look at the person in their suffering. A natural inclination when we encounter suffering is to distance ourselves from it, which usually means distancing ourselves from the person who is suffering. When we look down, around, or away, we remain detached from the person in front of us. To look at the person is more than simply looking at their problems. To look at the suffering person involves seeing them as they are in the present. As we look, we grow more aware of their wounds. What are your counselee’s particular wounds? Have you studied them, gained familiarity with them? Do you have an accurate understanding of how the wound initially happened, how they’ve tried to care for it so far, what’s been helpful or unhelpful? To look at the person in their suffering is to witness their wounds, and to accompany them in tending to those wounds with care.
2. We must wait with the person in their suffering. Henri Nouwen speaks of waiting as patience: “A waiting person is a patient person. The word ‘patience’ means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us…Patient living means to live actively in the present and wait there. Waiting, then, is not passive.”4 Waiting with our counselees is difficult and requires time. This idea of a hidden work is something we might overlook or rush past. Our counselees have likely been waiting for things to change for a long time – waiting for a relationship conflict to be resolved, waiting for a reprieve from spiraling anxiety, waiting for a spouse to come clean about behaviors long suspected, and all manner of other concerns. As you practice waiting with your counselee, you offer a Christlike companionship, reassuring them that patience is not a reward for their suffering but a promise from the One who has committed to love them to the very end.5
3. We must release the suffering person to God’s care. I recently rewatched a couple of old episodes of The Chosen. In season one, when Jesus was interacting with the children, and they asked where he would go next or when he would leave, his answers were vague and mysterious. I would imagine this frustrated the children or concerned them. They may have feared his departure or felt the disappointment of his absence. Yet, his vagueness was not for the sake of simply being mysterious. He was careful to say only what he knew to be absolutely true, and that was that he would know where to go and when to depart based on his Father’s leading. There are some lessons for us here as we walk with those who are suffering.
When we walk with the one who is suffering long, we may grow fearful about where it will lead. Will they turn away from God in their grief? Will they pick up unhealthy coping habits? Will they turn inward in resentment or cynicism? We can acknowledge these concerns while also releasing our agendas. Jesus’ agenda was to do the will of his Father, but he remained present to the people before him. The outcomes of our counselees’ suffering are not ours to control or dictate. We can model the very thing our counselees need to grasp in their suffering – a trusting dependence on a Source outside of us! We do this by approaching our counselees with open hands, releasing our agendas, our timelines, and our own fears. Open your hands, literally, with these cares. Release them to the safest and most secure place – God’s hands. I believe you and I will be transformed alongside our counselees as we release these things and turn, in dependence, to the Lord for comfort. In doing so, we do the will of the Father.
Suffering long with others means that we too suffer. In this way, we share in suffering together, bearing one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.6 Of course, there are many elements to consider in what suffering long looks like throughout the counseling process – from receiving comfort for broken relationships, to recognizing a divided heart, to entrusting difficult decisions to God’s care. Longsuffering is a fruit of the Spirit, which means we cannot manufacture it by sheer willpower or sustain it in our own strength. But God has promised to complete the good work he has begun in us, and that is true of me just as much as it is of my counselees.7
For reflection and prayer:God, we dwell in Your shadow. You cover us with your feathers; your faithfulness is a protective shield. You deliver us and restore our honor. Help us recognize the safety of being fully known by you, in all our vulnerabilities, being attuned to the movement of your Spirit who empowers us and offers us relief from all our striving and performing when we feel afraid. Guide us out of darkness and confusion, and into deeper beauty and goodness that flow from your presence. Restore and renew us even when we cannot make sense of our stories or find ourselves resistant to change. Fulfill your promise not to leave us as we are. Show us your salvation. Amen.8
Footnotes
- Brad Hambrick speaks of the importance of establishing and maintaining trust in the counseling relationship: “For counsel to be an accurate ambassador of God, the character of the counselor is as important as the content of their counsel. Character is essential for effectiveness because trust is the bridge that carries counsel from one person to another.” ↩︎
- Strong's Greek: 3115. μακροθυμία (makrothumia) -- Patience, Long-suffering, Forbearance ↩︎
- What does the Bible mean by longsuffering? | GotQuestions.org ↩︎
- Henri Nouwen, quoted in Waiting For Jesus: An Advent Invitation to Prayer and Renewal by Rich Villodas. ↩︎
- John 13:1 ↩︎
- Galatians 6:2 ↩︎
- Philippians 1:6 ↩︎
- I wrote this prayer, drawing from several phrases found in Psalm 91. ↩︎
Melissa Affolter has served in various aspects of counseling and discipleship ministries for nearly twenty years in the local church.
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